Betty’s Weblog











{October 11, 2008}   When sunrise falls;

Finally got my self back to watching taiwan series. That’s what I love about movie series, especially singapore and taiwan. In a way, it somehow reminds me of who I should be and what I’ve changed into. A few second ago, I watched this outdated movie where I’ve missed during my studying times in Miri.

I don’t know how I shall relate this to my emotions really as I personally has doubts about myself. This moment  I can be really happy, and next, my emotions stirs. There seemed to be that, I left this mark in me. This wound that I stepped on and over and heavy loaded the unexplained. Don’t you just hate it that you ought to analyze every single step you take? What’s gonna happen if I do this, what if I haven’t done so? Will it make a difference? Or was I meant to make that mistake?

This week it is, I got back up on track, and within this period I stumbled upon my own thoughts. I’ve had people telling me I’ve got a bad temper and yes I do realize that’s my bad habit. I do not seem to know how to control and usually accidentally raise my voice a little way above what’s should. But have u ever wonder what got me all this way? First, I do not have enough sleep, all the thoughts in my mind keeps screaming to me everyday and when pressure hits, there. It’s burst. Or it could be I am just bad tempered and needs a to deal with a phychiatrist.

Earlier on this year, I managed pretty well and there’s always this moment where I breakdown, hard. It could be just anything. Work management stress, peer pressure, personal relationships etc. Mine, since I’m that poor in managing my thoughts, these all tend to accumulate and thus emotionally taken over.  Last night I had this conversation with this 29 year old lady. She seemed to be going across hardship in life, its all about settling down and constructing communication. Sometimes we just do not understand what’s expected and we tend to either be influence in what other people wants us to do, or simply just limit ourselves from broadening our thoughts. I mean everyone does has the right to think right? We share experiences but its never a good quote to present, “Well, mine’s worst, you’re young you won’t understand“. Now, dont misunderstand, this talk between us is about the issue, nothing inflicting us both. We’re both analyzing certain things, certain stage in life and end up realizing how theyre different characters of people and how we tend to encounter almost similar experiences in life except ofcourse differ the fact that we all live with different people, the friends we make, etc.



{July 24, 2008}   Unbearable

They say love like you’ve never been hurt?

yeah.


I loved, I hurt.

& now even the slightest miscommunication, I’m breaking down.

Love isn’t all about love is it so?

I love you, till there’s no boundary, no stop to meeting the edge

What is my problem? I don’t know. I have a problem, and that problem is me.

Me.

I hate my self for flying up so high and now I’m drowning.

Tell me there is a way, there’s a way where I do not feel myself, but you.

I really just wanna be yours, now and ever.

I want ..

Everything is nothing without you




As days gets nearer, I’m missing you more than usual.

I don’t know what’s this feeling, yet its boiling deep in
I love you, I know I do. Sense of fear overwhelmed. Our future we do not know,
all i know is I finally found you. After all these years, fate brought us together.

Often I would question. What is fate, does that even exist?
We’ve seen in movies how certain unexpected things happens.
They all seem so vague, since it’s reality we’re landing on.

Yet, we never know. We never know it existed all this while.
Us taking it for granted, assuming these are little girl’s dream.
Dream ain’t such a sad thing after all, instead i think its a harsher way of grasping reality. Who cares? As long as you’re happy, and youre it!

Till now, I really don’t know what’s this feeling. Where I stand mostly.
Looking back and how things changed so quickly. Guilty charged as I ain’t suppose to be doing this, yet, when is there ever my chance to step out?

People uses people as a bridge to get over to the other side and when a relationship end, excuses and stories made just so one stands better even the winner has to loose in disgrace. Is this how it has been practiced? Since most of you could do that and since I do not know who my future guy would be, why stay when I found someone better to live with? When its over, theres no need to stay just so you’re doing your best job as a girlfriend. It’s like, im done with my job now and I’m moving to the other.

I know, this strikes me, what if this happens again? I dont know. I really have no answer to this. Things just happens unexpectedly. I wouldn’t want things to change after this honestly. I’m not sure what it is but you make me secure deep within. I remember the first time I noticed your presence, we’re both strangers to each other.

Funny how we remained strangers, the silence miss behind each other’s back builds subconsciously. Years passed, and we both continued on our path still not aware how fate brought us till this day eventually. Much of lessons learnt in the short period of time, where I think supposedly arranged so. Otherwise, I don’t think this stages led to how we are today. If it ain’t for Curtin University, if it ain’t for Miri, I wouldn’t be studying in Australia now.

I’m amazed at how small this world is. How strangers get together, how souls connect and spend the happiest moments together.

A whole new place, whole new story.

Life, much interesting as it is, I’m loving it.



{June 14, 2008}   Bulletin

Okay this is annoying. Apparently, I’m just filling up the bulletin and was trying to post it up like how the previous one did. Guess what? It’s not complete. Too much characters, but HOW did the previous one post them? Anyhow. This is it, i’ll post them here =)

1. EVER BEEN GIVEN AN ENGAGEMENT Ring?
;_ nope
2. LONGEST RELATIONSHIP?
;_ a year and a half
3. LAST GIFT YOU RECEIVED?
;_ his heart
4. EVER DROPPED A CELL PHONE?
; yeah.
5. WHEN’S THE LAST TIME YOU WORKED OUT?
;_ last 2 weeks
6. THING(S) YOU SPEND A LOT OF MONEY ON?
;_ food. movies. shopping.
7. LAST FOOD YOU ATE?
;_ carbonara
8. FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX?
;_ face
9. ONE FAVORITE SONG?
;_ lots
10. WHERE DO YOU LIVE?
;_ brunei
11. HIGH SCHOOL YOU ATTENDED:
;_ ISB
12. CELL PHONE SERVICE PROVIDER:
;_ dst in brunei. vodafone in auz
13. FAVORITE MALL STORE:
;_ melbourne central, boulevard, imperial, parkson, wherever theres clothes!
14. LONGEST JOB YOU HAD:
;_ haha one night. dont get me wrong. as a waitress in a restaurant k, its a trial!
15. DO YOU OWN A PAIR OF DICE?
;_ nah.
16. DO YOU PRANK CALL PEOPLE?:
;_ nah.
17. LAST WEDDING YOU ATTENDED:
;_ my aunt’s
18. FIRST FRIEND YOU’D CALL IF YOU WON THE LOTTERY:
;_ leh kee.
19. LAST TIME YOU SAW YOUR BEST FRIEND:
;_ long time ago.
20. FAVORITE FAST FOOD RESTAURANT:
;_ HMM. mc donalds? haha.
21. BIGGEST LIE YOU HAVE EVER HEARD:
;_ oh i forgot, because this this is pretty hard to describe in just few sentences.
23. WHERE’S YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO EAT WITH FRIENDS?
;_ anywhere cool and relaxing.
24. CAN YOU COOK?
;_ yeah eversince i got here, i have to.
25. WHAT CAR DO YOU DRIVE?:
;_ i dont drive yet
26. BEST KISSER:
;_ me? i dont know, the partner tells.
27. LAST TIME YOU CRIED?:
;_ i forgot.
28. MOST DISLIKED FOODS:
;_ salmon. not cooked. ah yes sashimi haha. sorry sashimi lovers!
29. THING YOU LIKE MOST ABOUT YOURSELF:
;_ my tolerance.
30. THING YOU DISLIKE MOST ABOUT YOURSELF:
;_ my frustrations.
32. LONGEST SHIFT YOU HAVE WORKED AT A JOB?:
;_ eh 5 hours?
33. FAVORITE MOVIE?
;_ lots
34. CAN YOU SING?
;_ no.
35. LAST CONCERT ATTENDED?
;_ forgot
36. LAST KISS?
;_ .
37. LAST MOVIE RENTED:
;_ when i was little.
38.ONE THING YOU NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE WITHOUT:
;_ my phone
39. FAVORITE vacation spot
;_ lots!
43. LAPTOP OR DESKTOP COMPUTER?:
;_ laptop
44. FAVORITE COMEDIAN?:
;_ none
45. DO YOU SMOKE?
;_ no.
46. SLEEP WITH OR WITHOUT CLOTHES?
;_ its cold here k :)
47. WHO SLEEPS WITH YOU EVERY NIGHT?:
;_ myself
48. DO LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS WORK?:
;_ it will but its hard. I’m failing one now :)
49. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BEEN PULLED OVER BY THE POLICE?
;_ never. hehee.
50. PANCAKES OR FRENCH TOAST?
;_ pancakes
51. DO YOU LIKE COFFEE?:
;_ definitely.
52 HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS?
;_ yeah HAHA.
53. DO YOU BELIEVE IN ASTROLOGY?:
;_ yea
54. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?:
;_ leh kee.
55. LAST PERSON ON YOUR MISSED CALL LIST?:
;_ leh kee.
56. WHAT WAS THE LAST TEXT MESSAGE YOU RECIEVED?:
;_ uhrm.. =))
58. NUMBER OF PILLOWS?:
;_ one for now.
59. WHAT ARE YOU WEARING RIGHT NOW?:
;_ t-shirt and shorts
60. PICK A LYRIC, ANY LYRIC:
;_ gonna hurt when it heals too, .. little more than the matter in time.
61. WHAT KIND OF JELLY DO YOU LIKE ON YOUR PB & J?:
;_ heh?
62. CAN YOU PLAY POOL?:
;_ yeah
63. CAN YOU SWIM?
;_ yeap
64. FAVORITE ICE CREAM?:
;_ butterscotch
65. DO YOU LIKE MAPS?
;_ i hate it
66. TELL ME A RANDOM FACT ABOUT YOURSELF:
;_ always in love and emotional
68. EVER ATTEND A THEME PARTY?:
;_ yes
69. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON
;_ WINTER tahaa! Im loving it.
70. LAST TIME YOU LAUGHED AT SOMETHING STUPID?
;_ few hours back
71. WHAT TIME DID YOU WAKE UP THIS MORNING ?
;_ 10.00am
72. BEST THING ABOUT WINTER?:
;_ its cooling.
73. LAST TIME A COP GAVE YOU A TICKET?:
;_ last few months haha
75. NAME OF YOUR FIRST PET?:
;_ i don name my pet haha. i ended up having none anyway
76. DO YOU THINK PIRATES ARE COOL OR OVERRATED?:
;_ overated
77. WHAT ARE YOU DOING THIS WEEKEND??
;_ its already sunday tomro! I’m going to the library. Lolz
78. BIRTHDATE
;_ 4th February
79. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE:
;_ a designer
85. ARE YOU ON A LAPTOP?:
;_ yeash
87. ARE YOU SMILING?:
;_ not really.
89. DO YOU MISS SOMEONE RIGHT NOW
;_ yeah.
90. IF YOU COULD GO ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD WHERE WOULD YOU GO?
;_ paris baby.
92. ARE YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL?:
;_ nope
93. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH?:
;_ nope
94. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NAME?
;_ something italian haha.. sounds so elegant.
95. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR BATHING SUIT?:
;_ dont have one.
96. DOES YOUR SCHOOL START IN AUGUST?:
;_ noh.
97. DID YOU GO ON VACATION LAST MONTH?:
;_ nope

There u go. All the way here, for the sake of a 97 facts about me! :)

Cheers!



{June 14, 2008}   Lusterless days

WordPress.

I’m seriously new to this. Do excuse me if I can’t differentiate the difference in blogspot and wordpress. All I can tell for now is that, this is more ‘pressed’, organized, no tagboard spam whatever nots? Apart from this, I really don’t see the point. Not criticizing either, cos if I am, I’m actually emphasizing myself here too since I AM posting in wordpress here =) so cheers*

Much investigation is needed just like what I did for facebook when I first had it. Wasn’t that at all hard for me to get use to facebook and I’m practically abandon friendster. It’s noticable that the layout, profile hasn’t been changed as often! Hehe, yea you get the idea. This usually comes to my mind, when the blog is unknown, it is safe to post secrets etc. However, this blog eventually gets known, people read archives and these are no longer secrets! Livejournal is still the best, and I’m barely using it once again. I do not know why yet again I really feel like getting back to the web world. I mean I am using the net almost everyday now since I’m studying oversea, internet is my life now. Yet again, everything changes once you miss out bits and pieces that are relevant or shall I term it ‘essential’ getting involved in all these. My laptop’s eating my softwares, I practically can’t use MSN, ADOBE PHOTOSHOP, ILLUSTRATOR, IN-DESIGN, everything else i find rather useful getting myself back in the enthusiasm in dealing these web interest. Ohwells, I do need to get this laptop fix soon. Soon soon, i dont know when. When I don’t go broke easily I suppose. Even if I have 8,000 in my bank account, by the end of this month, I’ll go empty. Trust me. The bills, fines, rent, school fees, groceries, food, materials, printings, the list goes on!

This is crazy. I never find a day where these rants ends with a fullstop, its always commas, space, enters, paragraphs and eventually end up looking like an essay. Neverending assignments and projects, oral presentations till july 4th. Striving through is what I’m doing. Break is seriously essential. My relationship isn’t going very well to be honest. Long distance relationship is indeed hard to handle. I mean I used to love him as much. This much, that much that I say I can’t live a day without him. I look back at my life in brunei, it’s not that I’m leaving things behind, its that I’ve too much to deal with here that this, what I am doing now, has become my purpose of living. Studying hard, achieving success. Brunei can only be the place where I go back and relax, where I have my friends to hang out and catch up with. Melbourne, honestly has become my 2nd hometown. I practically made myself comfortable here in everyways! Isn’t that what one should do? If you’re not comfortable with the place, every little thing you do will be affected and eventually we’ll hear screamings of homesick whatsoever. This is all our mind that’s fooling around with us.

Theres times I admit, I go lonely. Loneliness differs completely from desperation. My term ‘changed’ simply is common yet unintentional. what is it? I know, I’m telling you now.

Changed of heart. Changed of target
. Not anyone new though, its someone back in high school whom I finally get to know him and things just flow naturally, where each of us didn’t mind what our status are, and these feelings unavoidable no matter to whatever extend. Its disastrous as I’ve to deal with one that’s really innocent, waiting all the way back there for me and me here being busy, without realizing, there’s another guy that might provide me a better future. There is always a better one out there isn’t it? But I’m assuring you, this isn’t like any other, i take my relationships seriously. I do not wish to get this issue stamped on my mind, yet again, I can’t prevent it from happening. It already happened and I must say, my feelings grow for this particular person. Worst, he’s feeling the same. Dilemma? Not really. It’s clear enough that I’ve made my decision, the only issue is by the time I get to brunei, I really don’t know how much it could change my daily social routine and everything will just be spread like shattered glass pieces. I do not know why is this happening. I often wish to question, looking right up to the sky, questioning “What is all this”, “What is my purpose” , & why when everything is so perfect, it has to end? I do not wish to hurt the boyfriend, yet again, I am already doing it. I have no courage to face him, I do not blame him, after all its my fault to get into this mess. Yet again, I can’t change the fact that my heart’s stolen by the other. Cliche.

HELP.



{June 9, 2008}   Hello!

Muahaha.. WordPress

This seems interesting. I see people moving on to wordpress one by one nowadays.

So this time, out of boredom, I’ll try one lah.

Maybe after I’m all use to these I’ll move here. Right now I’m still to blogspot the common weblog ;)



et cetera